You always lie.

Anything less than I love you is a lie.

hmm, pano ko ba idedescribe?

in one word?

siguro, uh...

"kulang".

afterall, isa lang naman ang gusto nating lahat eh, pag-ibig.

pag-ibig na two-way.

"the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return"

i'm not there yet.

it is going to be a looooooooooooong quest.

may it be worth it.

It's funny now that I think about it...

I actually can't remember how many different languages you said "I love you" to me but what I do remember is that you never really meant any of it.

Naisip kong hindi na kita iniisip tapos maiisip nanaman kita.

Iniisip nanaman kita.

Right now, this is what I need to sing to you, least, tell you...

Bittersweet seasons.

Mistake a warm winter for spring.

Seems like I’m best at leaving when leaving is not the best thing.

You couldn’t help it if you needed more than I could give.

That’s just the way it goes. Now..

I call you misplaced but never a waste of my time.

Everybody’s gonna make mistakes,

But you’ll never be one of mine.

You couldn’t help it if you needed more than I could give.

That’s just the way it goes.

I knew you felt me leaving long before I ever did.

That’s just the way it goes now.

Loved me fearless when you needed to.

You would not rest till you came through.

So god bless and thank you.

There is no anger, it's just you and I and the truth.

You can try to make her but love will not be forced to bloom.

You couldn’t help it if you needed more than I could give.

That’s just the way it goes.

The only love worth fighting for is one that you can win and,

That’s just the way it goes now.

You would not break but you could bend.

And for love’s sake you let love end,

But I still swear that you were god sent.

And you stood before me knowing that the wings I have you gave.

And that’s just the way it goes now.

And I barely have the breath to breathe much less to fly away.

And that’s just the way it goes now.

And a silence entered the room for a one last,

"I’m gonna love you."

So god bless and thank you.

So god bless and thank you.

Thank you.

-Bittersweet by Sara Bareilles

Human Diaries

That moment when you decide to dedicate an entire planner which you got from too many caffeine intake to just one person. Then you decide to look back after a year only to find out the just the first three months were filled out with words you could actually fit to a page. And then you realize it's cute nonetheless, so you decide to blog about it.

12.28.2010

(A huge drawing of a heart)

Love comes when you least expect it.

4 is my lucky number.

Pib is my lucky charm.

1.24.2011

(A medium-sized drawing of a heart)

Festi is the SUPER mall! :)

8 is the new lucky number.

I am Elisse.

He is Alexander, in red giordano shirt.

30 mins-AKO

I am worth the wait.

1.28.2011

(A small, medium, and large drawing of hearts in juxtapose)

oh happy day! :) one month. LB. it's home. Hi Kuya! Hi Bro!

Umali, Umelbi :)

35 mins-SIYA

You are worth the distance.

2.08.2011

(A medium sized drawing of a heart)

Maybe because 8's the new lucky number.

Tia Maria & Sy****** Philippines.

But Chelsie has a toothache.

Changing Giligan's past memory.

3 words, 8 letters, at least "I THINK".

bvgviligvibes101

2.18.2011

(A small stout drawing of a heart)

Magic 8 ball streak.

North to south baby! Strawberry fields - alcohol FIELD

Febfair, ang dami DAW tao, parang wala naman, parang kami lang. :)

2.19.2011

Sa bahay: akala officemate ko :p

6: Just go with it.

Tapa at chicken Alfredo: red stripes resto

2.21.2011

(A small drawing of a heart)

Dumadalas ang minsan :)

Auntie Pearls

Happy Salubong birthday Echos!

Because we only live once. Because we celebrate life. Because we are exciting and happy people.

He is like him. Dinner at Echos'

She is like her. Ukelele treat. Laglag :p

They love each other.

2.22.2011

(A smaller drawing of a heart)

Shitty. 5:30am. Kakahiya.

2.25.2011

(The smaller drawing of a heart)

To the supermall! Hello pinsan & family

1: Drive, something.

Yahab. piano. pictures. dinner ... uwi

Lucky. Nelly. Alak.

Gitara. Kahon. Kanta.

2AM

3 WORDS, 8 LETTERS. Madaming, madaming beses!!!

3.7.2011

Kirbin: Love yourself first.

You're always at the mercy of your lover. :(

3.9.2011

Writing so I wouldn't forget.

I traced back.

I looked forward.

Cause this is real & this is good, it warms the inside just like it should, most of all IT'S BUILT TO LAST. :)

3.11.2011

(A small drawing of a heart)

Hopefully.

3.12.2011

(Three small drawing of hearts)

S****r*n

Hopefully :>

(A drawing of a broken heart) FB inbox

3.14.2011

Inarte

3.15.2011

Inarte

3.16.2011

Inarte

3.17.2011

Inarte

3.18.2011

HELL

3.19.2011

HELL

3.20.2011

HELL

3.21.2011

Hell

3.22.2011

Hell - CDO

3.23.2011

Hell - CDO

3.24.2011

Hell - CDO

3.25.2011

See you later mi.

(His signature)

Letran kanto. LB. LP. LAST LAHAT.

New yellow shades, no more SB planner bookmark.

GDD sa bus.

Tambay sa kubo. Gitara, last.

Happy goodbye. Hopeful. :)

lay down the laws on who should be loved, and how, and how much.

A Year End Report.

Because I have nothing to write about—no sales or marketing reports to do, no learnings to finish and submit, no evaluations to accomplish, nothing. So instead, I decide to write about my year-end life analysis.

Don’t look back in anger. That’s according to a great band. So I will try to write this as calmly as possible though I am not in the best of moods today.

I think this year for me was crazy. This I’d say first (and probably change later). Pardon my lack of profound vocabulary. This year, I could say that I lived my life however I wanted. I didn’t think much. I seized the day. I lived the moments. I made a lot of impulsive decisions. In saying all these, I also had to follow what other people told me to do. Their words became mine, their decisions, I made. At the end of the day, I still decided for myself though. Even with so much guidance, I still believe it’s my heart I followed.

The year started with a heartbreak—career-wise. It was in January that I was told I could not be permanently hired in my previous company, at least not for that moment. My contract was extended five times. I was so attached to the people in that company. I loved my team and they adored me in return. I was their baby. I was a rising star. I was shining and I know it. They too, knew. I am impatient. I couldn’t wait any longer. I quit that job six more months after they broke the same promise over and over. I spent one year as a contractual and that was it.

Being fresh from college, I still had some of my boys. At the beginning of the year, I shared love, if you could call it that, with a new guy. He was younger, sweeter, and more impulsive than I am. This person (points to self), who never learns, falls in love, gives it all, and gets another heartbreak in return. I said I was never loved that way before. I thought it was the best I ever had. But not for long. Looking back, I can still say that the short three months we spent together were filled with happiness. That little boy really made my heart swell up every waking day of those three months. But as the date of our first meeting draws near, I wonder, I doubt, if he ever really loved me. It’s crazy. It’s ridiculous.

After I quit my job, I spent all my savings and went to the United States. I didn’t plan on it. I have decided on learning how to drive but the day I got my student license, my mom talked with my aunt and planed my trip over. After spending half the day at LTO, I came back excited holding a leaflet of a driving school and was about to consult my mom for the best package when she said, “Do you want to go to the States? It’s summer there and your cousins are on vacation.” Then she said more things like the cost of my ticket, the plans for July 4^th, the summer trips my auntie in the States planned, and all that’s in it for me, including the pocket money that Dad and she would give me. It was perfect. After all the stress my heart had, I wanted this. I needed it. They say, while you are still studying, you have all the time but not the money, and when you’re already working, you have all the money but not the time. As I have always been a fan of traveling, spontaneous as I was, I bought the plane ticket three days after I got that student driver’s license. I didn’t mind using all the money I saved for an entire year’s worth of hard work. It’s crazy. It’s life!

Forty days of fun were over and I had to go back. In September, I started to have this part time job. I taught Japanese students how to improve their English speaking, listening and reading skills online. It paid well. I just had to be diligent. I started with teaching a few hours a day, then I maxed out by teaching five hours a day. Now, I conduct lessons eight hours a day. I basically stay at home for this job. It’s crazy.

This year, a major family milestone was that we celebrated mom’s fiftieth birthday. We pulled out a great big surprise which she needed badly. It was this year also when we learned of her sickness. It was tragic when we first knew of it. She cried when she told me about it. I cried the whole day at work, the next day. Thank Heavens her condition is fine now. She is still under medication but her case is not that bad. Aside from her spondylosis, we learned she had aneurism of the brain. I am not crazy.

Friends-wise, I still have my high school group intact. Though I did not go with them to Coron, we still regularly meet up. No major news for the year. Only that we are maturing because we now talk about work over bottles of alcohol or coffee. Bisok Giligan Chapter has been formed. We’re a bunch of happy-go-lucky people who have f*cked up issues at work. And we choose to stay sane by bashing on our lives’ stories and drinking beer. I have problems letting go, so I still keep my college friends, office friends, and all of them friends I hold dearly in my heart. Of all my friends, my cousins are still the craziest!

Of course, you must have noticed by now that I can’t seem to live without a man. There is someone. But I don’t know what we are. I don’t know what I am to him besides being special. Heck, I don’t know what he means every time he tells me I am special. I guess I am doomed. Hah. I don’t know. I never talk about this to my high school friends. There’s nothing to say. This story is too far from any fairytale, happy ever after, feel good and chick flick movies out there. What’s bad is keep trying to figure out and over analyze what we are, but at the end of the day, I am afraid to face the truth that if I deep dive, it will all end.

Be the judge. I might be crazy.

This year, I also worked for the government. I accepted a five-month contract for an event. With all my might and sanity, I tried to work, but all I could give was a month of service and that was it.

I mostly stay at home, thus I am becoming crazier every day. I don’t want my career to be sleeping yet I am one lazy ass who sleeps things off. Truth is, I want to go back to my first job. My exboss told me about an opening that could be fit for me. For days, I have been waiting for the call when my interview will be scheduled but for weeks, it hasn’t been coming. I am not hoping to get another heartbreak similar to what I got at the start of this year but my hopes of getting the call is almost as thin as paper—a Japanese paper.

This year is not yet done. It’s not yet the end. This only means that I could do far more crazier things than what I have already done. I don’t even know why I am writing my life. I just know that this pacified me for the minutes that have passed while I type. The thing is, I don’t like where my life is as of the moment. I think Carpe Diem is overrated. Or I must have overdone it. I plan on being more pragmatic next year. I think I need to stop being impulsive. I also need to stop being bossed around and think independently. I miss my freedom. Four months at home with mom and Nana isn’t healthy anymore. Three generations with big gaps make one good team, but not always. I want a career; I could forget about love life, should I only be allowed to choose one. Just, I hope my life will have more direction and more meaning. I don’t want to keep sleeping, eating, ranting, doing house chores and teaching English.

To close this report, I’d say that I had a blast this year. I had a lot of feelings and emotions which I think is very healthy. I had so many new experiences which taught me a lot. I learned to let go (I think), to be more patient, to be more careful, to be more vocal, to be more open, to be more forgiving, to work under pressure, to be more giving, to be more relaxed, and to be more mature, I guess.

But the best lesson I learned this year is that life is about choices. No matter how people dictate or try to influence you on what they think you should do, or what not, in the end, it’s all up to you. It’s your life anyway. So if you decide to live a crazy life, you blame nothing and no one but yourself. If you don’t want how your life is at the moment, then learn to make better choices. You don’t blame Carpe Diem.